Dealing With Backstabbing Co-Workers: Navigating Office Politics

It can be difficult to know how to respond when a co-worker throws you under the bus, and it's a situation that most people have experienced at some point. It's important to take a step back and gather all the facts before responding. Taking a short walk to clear your head is a good way to ensure you don't respond in a way you might regret. It's also a good idea to document everything and create a paper trail of your communications with the co-worker in question. When you do speak to them, be clear, direct and concise, and focus on how their actions made you feel.

Take a short walk to clear your thoughts

When a co-worker throws you under the bus, it can be a good idea to take a short walk to clear your thoughts. It can be all too easy to react in the heat of the moment, perhaps by venting to colleagues or confronting the co-worker immediately. However, taking a few minutes to go for a walk can help you calm down and gain a clearer perspective on the situation.

Being in constant contact with your surroundings when walking can stimulate your senses and help you think things through. Walking is great for your mental wellbeing, and it can be therapeutic to surround yourself with nature and get away from everyday distractions. It can also be a good way to unwind and relax, as well as stimulate your brain and lead to a clearer thought process.

If you have the time, it can be beneficial to get out of the building and go for a longer walk to get some fresh air. However, even a short lap around the office or building can help to clear your mind and ensure you don't react impulsively.

Once you've calmed down, you can then reach out to someone you trust—ideally, someone outside of work—to talk through the situation.

Schedule a chat with your co-worker

If a co-worker has thrown you under the bus, it's important to take a step back and assess the situation. Take a short walk to clear your head and calm down. You might want to vent to a friend or family member, but make sure they don't work with you.

Once you feel more level-headed, it's time to schedule a chat with your co-worker. Here's a step-by-step guide to help you prepare for this difficult conversation:

• Get the facts straight: Before you approach your co-worker, ensure you have all the information. Look at the situation from different angles to avoid tunnel vision. If this is an ongoing issue, keep detailed notes of what happened, including dates, times, and specific comments. This documentation will strengthen your case if the situation escalates and you need to involve a manager or HR.
• Prepare and practice: Take time to write down your thoughts and emotions. If you're feeling angry, consider writing a letter to your co-worker expressing your true feelings, but don't send it. This exercise will help you process your emotions and clarify your thoughts. Practice what you want to say with a trusted friend, and ask for their feedback on your tone and delivery.
• Give your co-worker a heads-up: Inform your co-worker that you would like to talk to them privately about something important. Be mindful of their schedule and suggest a time that works for both of you. Avoid having the conversation in a public space like the break room.
• Set your intention: Before the conversation, take a few minutes to reflect on what you want to achieve. Do you want an apology? Do you want them to acknowledge their behaviour and stop doing it? Knowing your intention will help you stay focused and calm during the discussion.
• Have the talk: When you meet with your co-worker, be clear, direct, and concise. Communicate your thoughts and feelings effectively without adding unnecessary details. Focus on how their actions made you feel rather than attacking them or assigning blame. For example, say, "I felt like my work wasn't valued when you interrupted me in the meeting." Avoid interrupting them as well, and let them know you want to hear their perspective.
• Be prepared for their reaction: Your co-worker might get defensive, argue, or try to gaslight you. Remain calm and don't engage in a screaming match. If they deny their behaviour, refer to your detailed notes to reinforce your points. Use "I" statements to express how their actions impacted you, and avoid making accusations or threats.
• Practice empathy: Remember that you still have to work with this person, so try to see things from their perspective. They might be dealing with personal issues or feeling insecure about their own performance. Even if you don't know the exact reason for their behaviour, try to find a place of compassion within yourself.
• Protect yourself moving forward: Going forward, be cautious about what you share with this co-worker. Choose your words carefully in emails, texts, and conversations. Ensure your computer and passwords are secure. While it's important to maintain a professional relationship, you don't have to become friends or share every detail with them.

Remember, it's normal to feel angry and frustrated when a co-worker throws you under the bus. However, by following these steps and scheduling a calm and respectful chat, you can address the issue directly and hopefully prevent it from happening again.

Avoid assuming the worst

When a co-worker throws you under the bus, it is important to avoid assuming the worst. Here are some tips to help you navigate this challenging situation:

Take a Step Back

It's natural to feel angry and frustrated when a co-worker makes you look bad or takes credit for your work. However, before jumping to conclusions, take a moment to collect yourself and clear your thoughts. Go for a short walk, practise deep breathing, or do something that helps you calm down. This will help you approach the situation with a level head and avoid saying something you might regret.

Get All the Facts

Before confronting your co-worker, make sure you have all the information. Take an objective look at the situation and consider all sides. If this is an ongoing issue, keep detailed notes about what happened, including dates, times, and specific quotes. Having concrete examples will strengthen your case and show that you're not overreacting.

Schedule a Private Chat

Reach out to your co-worker and schedule a time to talk privately. Avoid addressing the issue in a public setting or in front of other colleagues. Let them know you want to discuss something important, and ask when they would be available. This gives them a heads-up and ensures they are receptive to the conversation.

Focus on How You Feel

When having the talk, express how their actions made you feel rather than accusing or attacking them. Use "I" statements and share your concerns. For example, say, "I felt hurt when you took credit for my idea during the meeting." This approach is more effective than assigning blame and puts your co-worker in your shoes.

Prepare for Different Outcomes

Going into the conversation, be prepared for different reactions. Your co-worker might get defensive, try to gaslight you, or even apologise. Remain calm and stick to the facts. If they try to interrupt, assert yourself and let them know you want to finish expressing your thoughts.

Remember, the goal is to address the issue constructively and find a resolution. Avoid making threats or engaging in counterproductive arguments. If the situation doesn't improve or escalates, you may need to involve a manager or HR to mediate and find a solution.

Document everything

Documenting everything is a crucial step in protecting yourself from a co-worker who throws you under the bus. Here are some detailed instructions on how to go about it:

Details and Timestamps:

Make sure to take detailed notes of all interactions with your co-worker that concern you. Include specifics such as what was said or done, the time, and the date. Having precise timestamps strengthens your case and ensures you can accurately recall the details if needed.

Emails, Chats, and Paper Trails:

Create a paper trail of your communications with the co-worker. Save all relevant emails, chats, or messages. If something is said verbally, follow up with an email or message summarizing the conversation and asking for confirmation. For example, "As per our discussion earlier, I just wanted to confirm that [insert summary of conversation]." This way, you have a record of their agreement or any corrections they may make.

Involve Others When Possible:

Whenever appropriate, copy relevant colleagues or supervisors on your communications. This ensures that others are aware of the situation and can provide additional context or support if needed. It also adds to the documentation and demonstrates your transparency.

Record Face-to-Face Conversations:

If your co-worker insists on discussing things in person, make sure to take notes immediately afterward. Write down what they said, and if possible, write down what you said in response. Alternatively, you can record the conversation on your phone, but be sure to check your state's laws regarding consent for recording. Some states require the consent of both parties, while others only require one-party consent.

Be Firm and Clear:

Once you have documented evidence of your co-worker's behaviour, be firm and clear in addressing it. Let them know that you are aware of what they have been doing and that you have proof. For example, you could say, "I have taken the bullet for you several times, but I have emails and notes that show I followed your instructions or communicated the issue to you. I will not be taking the blame for your mistakes anymore."

Keep Records Secure:

Keep your documentation organized and secure. Store emails and messages in a separate folder, and consider keeping a physical file as well if you have printed copies. Ensure that your computer or device is password-protected to prevent unauthorized access.

Remember, documenting everything is a powerful way to protect yourself and hold your co-worker accountable for their actions. It provides evidence of their behaviour and can help resolve disputes or misunderstandings. Stay organized, be thorough, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself using the facts you have gathered.

Protect yourself

Once you have addressed the issue with your co-worker, you need to start protecting yourself moving forward. Be mindful of your computer and password security. If your co-workers know your password or where it is written down, change it and keep that information private.

Be aware of the information you share with certain people. Trust takes time, so don't assume that every co-worker has the same intentions. You don't have to avoid your colleagues altogether, but be more cautious about what you share and with whom.

Choose your words wisely when sending emails, texts, or Slack messages, as well as in-person conversations. Don't be paranoid, but do be more vigilant.

It's also important to practice empathy. Try to put yourself in your co-worker's shoes and see the world through their eyes. Why do you think they feel the need to put you down? Maybe they're jealous, or you remind them of someone they dislike. Practicing empathy will help you make peace with the situation and move forward without resentment.

Frequently asked questions